Author's note: I started this story the summer of 2002, so it takes place between seasons 6 and 7 of BTVS and seasons 3 and 4 of Angel. Everything on the shows up until then happened in this world -- (Spike got a soul, Angel got tossed to the bottom of the ocean, Cordy ascended, etc. If I get something wrong, I don't want to know about it unless it's serious. After that it's my world. I adore Spike, Angel, and Wesley. Don't know exactly how this is going to turn out but there will definitely be S/A, S/W, A/W, and A/S/W. Yummy. :)

Also, you may have read part of this when it originally appeared on fanfiction.net before they changed their policy. I've done some minor edits to the first five chapters which appeared there. But it is basically the same.

Spike rode his bike through downtown L.A. heading for the Hyperion. He wasn't sure how Angel would receive him, but he had nowhere left to go. He'd been unable to face Buffy when he returned from Africa. He couldn't even tell her he had a soul. He imagined she would want nothing to do with him and he couldn't blame her after everything he had done before leaving town.

The demon population was no better. It was bad enough that he had helped the Slayer kill his own kind; with a soul they had one more reason to shun him. He was alone.

He tried contacting Dru in Brazil, but evidently she was still upset about him choosing Buffy. Never mind the fact that she was the one who cheated on him in the first place. The only family he had left was his pseudo-Sire, Angel. After the way he had treated Angel a few years back, he wasn't sure how welcome he would be but he could see no other alternative. Besides, maybe Angel could help him adjust to having this bleeding soul. It should be a familiar process for him, having been through it a couple of times, himself. The pain was becoming more than Spike could bear. As he pulled up in front of the hotel, he took a deep breath and prepared himself for the worst--a stake through the heart. But then that wouldn't be so bad, would it? At least the pain would be over.

~*~

"Stop worrying about me Cordy. I'm fine. I'm tired and a little weak, but I'm fine. I'll be better in a few weeks. I'll get my strength back, don't worry."

"I can't help it, Angel. You're thin and pale and you look like hell," Cordy replied. "I'm sorry, but it's true."

"Cordy... I'm dead. Remember? I'm not supposed to look healthy and alive. I'm a vampire. I can't go outside and get a tan. And in a few weeks I'll fill out, I won't be so thin anymore." Angel was exasperated. He and Cordelia had had this conversation a billion times since he'd been recovered from his "burial at sea." It had only been a week, what did she expect -- a miracle? He was a vampire who had fathered a child-- he'd used his miracle. He knew he'd get better faster if he chose to feed from humans, but that wasn't something he could do. It would take longer, but he'd heal eventually. She'd bought some human blood for him, and it was helping. They just had to be patient.

While he was thinking about how he could reassure Cordy that everything would be better, he sensed someone standing behind him. He looked up and saw that Cordy was staring over his shoulder, her mouth open as if she were about to say something, but for once words were slow to come. Must be serious to render Cordy speechless.

"Umm...Angel?..."

Angel slowly turned around to face whatever stood behind him. He thought he was prepared for the worst, but nothing could have prepared him for the sight before him. His childe, Spike, was standing in the doorway looking ... well, frightened, if that were possible.

"Spike?"

"Sire," mumbled Spike. "May I have a word?"

"What are you doing here?" Angel knew there had to be a reason. Spike hated him. There was no way he'd come here if he weren't after something. Angel figured it was best to be cautious, especially after his last visit to L.A.

"I need your help... Sire." Spike looked at the floor as he spoke and seemed a bit fidgety. He reminded Angel of William decades before -- in a London alley, just before Dru turned him.

What's going on? What's with the "Sire" stuff? Spike hasn't considered me his sire since I got my soul and left years ago. Angel turned to Cordelia and hesitated before speaking. "Cordy... um...I think we're done for the evening. If you want to call it a night and go, that would be fine."

"And leave you with him? Are you kidding? The last time he was here he tried to kill you Angel! Am I the only person in the room with a brain?"

Cordy and Angel turned back to Spike as they heard him mumble something. Angel was pretty sure he understood what was said, but wanted to be sure. "What did you say, Spike?"

"Said, m'not gonna kill you. Can't. You're all I got left."

Angel could see that Spike was shaking. The tremors were too slight for Cordelia to notice, but she did see the tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

Her demon senses did pick up on the pain he was in and she decided to do as Angel had asked. If Angel wanted her to leave, she would, but she'd be back in the morning. She turned to Angel and nodded. "I'll see you tomorrow. Call me if you need anything?"

"Yeah, of course. I'll see you tomorrow, Cordy."

Cordelia looked curiously at Spike as she walked past him and out the door. There was something different about him. Different from the usual vamp vibes. Spike didn't even see her pass, as he continued to stare at the floor. As soon as he heard the door close behind her, he collapsed to the floor and allowed the tears to run freely down his face.

"Spike?" Angel rushed to his childe's side. He grabbed Spike's chin and forced him to look up at him. It was in that instant that he knew. "You have a soul." Not a question. A statement. He could see it so clearly in his childe's eyes. "How? How is this possible?"

Spike just curled into Angel's body and continued to weep. Angel lifted his childe and carried him to his suite. He laid Spike on the sofa and held him, rocking him to sleep. Once Spike was asleep, Angel rose and went to his room, crawled into bed, and wondered how Spike could have become ensouled and what to do about it when they awoke. He drifted off to sleep with a smile on his face. His childe had come home. Had come to him in his time of need.

~*~

"No...no...I'm sorry...please...I'm sorry...Buffy!" Spike was talking in his sleep and rocking side-to-side. His murmurs drew Angel out of slumber and to his side.

"Spike. Spike, wake up! You're having a bad dream." He sensed Spike beginning to awaken, "It's just a dream, childe. No one's going to hurt you. You're safe here."

"Angel?" Spike opened his eyes and looked at his sire. "Help me, Angel. I can't take this anymore. Please, help me?

"Anything, childe. What do you need?" Angel was willing to do anything to help Spike. He couldn't bare to see the pain in his childe's eyes, knowing how difficult it must be. After all, he had felt this himself.

"Stake me," whispered Spike. "Please, Angel, put me out of my misery."

"No." Angel's reply was firm, that was one thing he would not do. "No, Spike. Anything else, consider it done, but I won't kill you."

"It hurts. It hurts so much."

"I know, but it will get easier. I promise."

"I can't do it."

"Yes, you can. Spike ... look at me." Spike looked up at Angel as he spoke, "You're the strongest vampire I've ever met. You've dealt with tough times before. You can survive this. You can survive anything you put your mind to."

"I'm not much of a vampire anymore. Between the chip and the soul ... I'm a joke, Angel. I can't bite anyone and even if I could, I don't even enjoy thinking about feeding anymore. What's the point in living if the whole point of my existence has been stripped away?" Spike closed his eyes in defeat.

Angel picked him up and carried him into the bedroom. He undressed Spike and put him to bed. Angel crawled in and curled up behind his childe, pulling their bodies close together. He slowly ran his fingers through Spike's hair, lulling him to sleep. "Shh. Sleep my childe. It will be better tomorrow." He kissed Spike's neck and listened to him purring as he drifted back to sleep. What am I going to do with you, childe?

~*~

Angel awoke the next afternoon alone in bed. For a moment he forgot that Spike had been there. With the realization that his childe was missing, he jumped from the bed. He could hear the faint sound of crying coming from the bathroom; it was muffled by the sound of the shower. He opened the bathroom door to see the silhouette of his childe sitting on the shower floor crying as water poured down over his back.

Angel had never seen Spike like this. He was torn between comforting his childe and allowing him some privacy. Unable to resist helping Spike, Angel reached out and pulled the shower curtain back. Unfortunately, Spike hadn't realized Angel was in the room.

"Jesus, Angel! If my heart were beating, it would have stopped. Give a bloke a warning, will ya? You scared me half to life. D'you always go sneaking up on your guests while they're in the shower?"

Shit, wrong choice. Angel let go of the curtain. "Sorry," he mumbled. "I'll leave you. I didn't mean to startle you, I was just worried. I woke up and you were gone and then I could hear you crying. I thought I might be able to help, but I'll just go.

"No. I'm sorry, I don't want you to go." Spike was peaking around the curtain with a look in his eyes that said 'Stay'. "You could join me ... if you want. Scrub me back for me?"

"Umm... sure." Angel seemed a bit nervous as he stepped into the shower behind Spike. The sight of his childe's beautiful body had him immediately feeling aroused, but Angel didn't think this was the right time to even think about sex. Spike was dealing with enough emotional crap as it was, without having to deal with his sire forcing himself on him. As a childe, it was Spike's duty to yield to whatever his sire demanded, but Angel was not going to take advantage at a time like this. He willed himself to calm down and reached for the soap.

Angel sat down in the tub behind Spike and as ran his hands along his back he realized just how thin his childe was. Spike had always been a bit emaciated (one of the side effects of being turned in the nineteenth century) but now he looked like he hadn't been feeding at all. "Spike?"

"Yeah, luv?" Angel smiled at Spike's endearment.

"Have you been eating?"

"What's wrong? You don't like my lithe, slender form? You're not exactly looking like your usual self either, Angel."

"Yeah, well I just spent a few months in a box at the bottom of the ocean. What's your excuse?" Angel hoped that the joking tone he was attempting would lighten the mood and get Spike to open up and tell him the events that had transpired and left him with a soul.

"Well, you know I can't feed properly 'cause of the chip. And it's kinda hard to get to a butcher when your in the desert .... in Africa ... facing a demon's trials." Spike's voice got softer with each bit of information he revealed.

"What?" Angel stopped washing Spike's back and turned his childe to face him. "What are you saying? You went to some demon and asked for a soul?"

"Please. Like I wanted to become a silly old poof like you." Spike hesitated and then he mumbled, "I wanted to be like I was before."

"Before what?" Angel was confused.

"Well, see, that's the problem. You know how deceptive demons can be." Spike's sarcasm was back in force. "I kinda forgot to specify. I thought I wanted to get the chip out, but evidently the demon thought otherwise. So now I got old William's soul."

"And the chip?"

"Yeah, ain't that the kicker. The damn thing's still in there, still works. So now, I not only can't feed on people, but I don't want to either."

"Well, surely that makes it easier, then."

"Are you kidding? What I want is to be whole again, Angel. I want to not feel bad about wanting to bite people. I want to be able to bite people. I want to be able to feed on living people."

"Would you, Spike? Would you, if you could?"

"Well ... no, but that's beside the point. I'd still be able to do it and I'd be able to defend myself."

"And why wouldn't you feed?"

"Because of Buffy. I love her, and it would hurt her too much."

Angel had heard about Spike being in love with Buffy. "Have you seen her? Since you've been back, I mean?"

"No. After what happened before I left ... I can't bare to face her." Angel could sense the shame in Spike's voice.

"What do you mean? After what happened? Spike. What did you do to her? What did you do to Buffy?"

Spike held back nothing as he told Angel how he felt when Buffy died and everything that had happened since. As Spike reached his retelling of almost raping Buffy in her bathroom, he pulled away from Angel in fear.

Angel could smell Spike's fear and stifled the urge to hit him for attacking Buffy, instead he pulled Spike to his chest, holding him and lending him the strength to finish his tale. As much as he hated to see his former love harmed, he understood what led Spike to his actions. Truth be told, he was impressed that Spike had restrained himself in the end. He knew how hard that must have been, since Buffy was the one human Spike could actually harm. Instead of lashing out at Spike, Angel held him tighter and let him finish his story.

"And when I got back to Sunnydale, I realized that I couldn't face her -- it just hurt too much. And the crypt holds so many memories of our nights together -- her letting me touch her, to know her if only for a few moments. But it also reminds me of all the times she said she didn't love me, that she could never love me. I couldn't stay there." Spike paused for a moment and then mumbled, "You're all I have now, Angel."

"What about Dru?"

Spike snorted. "Dru? Are you kidding me? Dru hates me for having loved Buffy. The last time I saw her -- well, let's just say I ended up having three women wanting to stake me."

"Three?"

"Buffy, Dru, ... and Harmony." The last name was spoken so softly that Angel wasn't sure he'd heard correctly.

"Harmony? Oh, God. Please tell you weren't in love with her."

"Oh please, give me some credit. She was good fuck for a while, but that was all. After Dru left me in Brazil, I was lonely. I needed someone in my bed. Harm did the trick for a while. But she was so fucking annoying. And then I got my chip and even she thought I was joke."

Angel snickered at that. "She came here a while back -- to see Cordelia. We couldn't wait for her to leave. I can't believe you slept with her." Angel couldn't stop smiling at the thought of Spike and Harmony. Spike never had much patience. If she annoyed Angel, he couldn't imagine how Spike restrained himself from staking the dumb blonde.

"I was going through a rough time. I was alone. You know how I hate to be alone. I need people around me." Spike paused for a moment, collecting himself. "And now ... with these memories in my head, with the soul weighing down on me ... I can't bear to be alone. Angel?"

"Yeah, Spike?"

"After what I did to you the last time I was here? ... Are you going to send me away ... or punish me ... or ... kill me?"

"Spike -- like I said last night, I'm not gonna kill you, not even if you beg me to." Angel took a deep breath and sorted his thoughts. "I must admit it's hard to forget what you did to me, but circumstances are different now. Hell, after all the things I did to you when I was Angelus, I probably deserved a bit of torture in return. I'm willing to forgive what happened and more forward, if you are." Angel paused again and as Spike started to speak, Angel placed his fingertip on his childe's lip.

"Wait," said Angel, "I'm not finished. You're my childe, Spike. I could never turn you away when you've come to me asking for help. We're blood. I love you. Stay with me as long as you want. I'm here for you -- always."

Tears flowed down Spike's face as he turned into Angel's embrace. Angel held him close and placed soft kisses on his forehead.

Spike look up into Angel's eyes and asked, "Did you really mean that?"

Angel knew what Spike was really asking. "Every word. I love you, Spike. I'm not going to turn my back on you." He kept his eyes locked on Spike's as he leaned forward and gently kissed his childe's lips.

Spike deepened the kiss in return and ran his fingers through Angel's hair. He could smell his sire's arousal and feel him hardening against his leg. And then suddenly the moment was over as they both jumped up shrieking. The once warm water had turned ice cold.

Spike reached for the faucet and turned off the water as Angel grabbed towels for them both. "Well, that certainly killed the mood," Spike grinned. "Got any blood in the fridge? As you noticed earlier, I'm a bit malnourished."

Angel inwardly groaned at the lost connection to his childe. Perhaps later we can pick things up where we left off. "Yeah, there's some pig's blood in there ... and I think there may be one or two pints of human blood left as well." Spike's eyebrows shot up at the thought of human blood. In response to the unasked question, Angel explained, "Cordy got it when they pulled me out of the ocean. She's been force feeding me the stuff to help me recoup faster."

"Nice woman. You and she ... together?" Spike asked hesitantly. He knew the girl didn't like him after the whole Gem or Amarra debacle. If she and Angel were an item, he knew his presence was going to cause trouble.

"Together?" Angel seemed a bit hesitant himself. "No."

Both were silent as Angel pulled on a pair of sweatpants and tossed a pair to Spike. "Here, I didn't see you come in with any bags, so I'm guessing you came with nothing more than the clothes on your back. Right?"

"Umm...yeah. Thanks."

"No problem. They'll probably be a bit big on you, but we'll get you some stuff later." Angel paused. "That is... if you're staying. You are staying, right?" Angel had a hopeful look on his face.

Spike smiled slightly. "Yeah, I'm staying. Until you get fed up and kick me out, anyway. I figure I'm safe for a day or two." He grinned at his sire.

Angel just grinned in response and motioned for Spike to follow him to the kitchen. "So, you asked about me and Cordy... no, we aren't together." Angel handed Spike two bags of human blood and pointed to the microwave. He opened the cupboard and pulled out a pair of clean mugs and began to try to explain just what was going on between he and his seer.

"She's been here with me from the beginning. She gets the visions from the Powers -- when Doyle died, he passed his visions on to Cordy." He looked up at Spike, who nodded that he understood what Angel was talking about. "Anyway... this last year we grew closer. She helped me with Connor -- my son -- and for a while I thought we were going somewhere, but things are just weird now that she joined the PTB and then came back and pulled me out of that damned box." Angel's voice trailed off as he stared at the mug of blood Spike handed to him.

They stood silently sipping their blood for a moment, until Spike finally asked what he was dying to know. "You have a son? Is Cordelia his mother? I can't believe I thought I was the only one who got fucked with last year." Spike grinned again. "And what do you mean she 'joined' the PTB? Does that mean she's ... not human anymore?"

Angel and Spike drank their blood while Angel explained everything that had happened with Darla and Connor and Wesley and Holtz. How Cordy had become part demon and eventually ascended to join the Powers. Spike just stared at him in disbelief. "Well, no wonder you didn't seem so surprised to see me with my bright and shiny new soul."

"I wouldn't say I wasn't surprised -- I also wouldn't say that your soul could ever be bright and shiny after the last 100 years -- but, I guess I know now that anything is possible. Anything at all." Angel smiled at Spike who shyly smiled back.

"Angel?"

"Yeah, Spike?"

"Two questions." Pause. "First, will you call me Will? It hurts too much right now to think of myself as Spike -- all the things I did -- I'd just like to be Will again. You used to call me Will when we were ... together."

Angel could tell that Spike, or rather Will, was a bit uncertain about what his place would be here in Angel's home and in his life. "Of course, Will. I understand the power a name can hold. I don't exactly go around introducing myself as Angelus these days. What's your other question?"

"I know you said I could stay ... but...did you mean here at the hotel," Will took a deep breath and looked up into Angel's eyes, "or here with you, in your room ... in your ... bed?" Angel could see that Will was afraid he was about to be rejected.

"Where do you want to be, Will? I would like nothing more than to have you beside me in my bed, to have you around me in my everyday life, but you can have your own room if you want. I'm sure you'll want some privacy at times. The choice is yours, just know that you are welcome and that I'd love to crawl into bed next to you each morning." Angel grinned at the memories of sex with his childe, but knew that Will might not be as interested in rekindling their past as he was. After all, Will was still in love Buffy.

"Can I have a separate room to put my things in and to retreat to when I need to be alone, but stay here with you to live and sleep?" Will sounded as though he expected Angel to say no, despite everything Angel had just told him.

Angel stepped forward and wrapped Will in his arms. "That would be fine. I think the room across the hall would suit you, we can check it out later. For now ... why don't we go upstairs and let everyone know that you're moving in. I don't want anyone trying to stake you because they don't know who you are ... or worse yet, because they do know." That said, Angel took Will's hand in his and guided them to the lobby to meet the crazy group that was not only Angel Investigations, but had become Angel's family. My childe has come back to me. If only Wesley were here, too.

Chapter 2 -- Second Chances

Wesley sat on his sofa sipping a glass of whiskey and thinking about his friends at Angel Investigations. Fred had called with her weekly update -- these calls had started a few months before when Angel had disappeared. As always, he hadn't answered the phone, but he had sat there listening to her talk to his machine. He wasn't ready to ask after his friends, but he certainly was interested in knowing that they were all alright. Apparently Angel was doing better, they were still looking for Connor, Cordy was readjusting to life in this realm, and an old vampire friend of Angel's was staying at the hotel. Fred described the vampire as "a cute blond guy named Will." Wesley wondered if "Will" was William the Bloody a.k.a. Spike and if so, why on earth was Angel letting him stay at the hotel? The last time Spike dropped by Angel ended up being tortured. Had spending a few months at the bottom of the ocean affected Angel's thinking? Finally, Fred wished him well and (as always) asked him to call -- even if only to let her know he was okay.

But he wouldn't call. Week after week he listened, but made no move to pick up the phone or to call her back. He wasn't okay, he didn't know if he ever would be again, and he didn't know how to tell Fred the truth without it sounding as if he wasn't taking responsibility. He was. He blamed himself, and no one else for everything that had happened. It didn't matter that the prophecy had been doctored by a demon -- he had translated it and chosen to believe it. He hated himself for trusting his translation instead of trusting Angel. He knew in his heart that Angel never would have harmed Connor, but Wesley had always had trouble trusting his heart before his head. That's why I always end up alone.

I miss my friends -- no my family, they're more than just friends. Or they were, before I went and screwed everything up by taking Connor. I miss Angel. Wesley sighed and slunk down deeper into the sofa and tried to figure out how to begin to repair the disaster that his life had become.

A knock on the door startled him. He walked to the door and opened it, expecting Lilah to be on the other side -- she was the only one who ever came to visit him. She'd been trying to get him to do some freelance work for Wolfram & Hart, but so far he'd say no to every offer. Fucking was one thing, working for her was something else entirely. To his surprise, however, he found himself face to face with Lorne.

"Lorne. Umm... what are you doing here?" Wesley suddenly flashed on the minutes before taking Connor. He had hit Lorne and knocked him unconscious -- he had hurt his friend. Had Lorne finally come seeking revenge? Given Lorne's, usual disposition, it didn't seem likely. But after Wesley's actions, he knew he deserved it.

"Wesley." Lorne spoke without emotion, pausing before continuing. "May I come in?"

"Sure... of course." Wesley stepped out of the way and motioned for Lorne to enter his flat. "Is everything alright?"

"Yes, everything is fine. Well, mostly so." Lorne paused again. "Angel and Cordelia sent me over to ask you for some research help."

"A-a-angel and Cordelia?" Wesley could barely speak he was so shocked by the idea that they were asking for his help. The last time he saw Angel, the vampire had tried to kill him -- not that Wesley blamed him; Cordelia had refused to speak to him since she returned from Mexico and learned what had happened while she was away. He couldn't imagine what would drive them to ask for his help. What could possibly be that dire? Surely Fred would have said something on the phone if they were in serious trouble. "They want my help? You must be joking?"

"No, I'm not joking. You've heard of a vampire known as William the Bloody?"

"Yes. Also goes by the name of Spike. He was living on the Hellmouth, last I heard. Is that who Fred was referring to when she mentioned a blond vampire named Will who was staying at the hotel?"

"Yes. Apparently, he now has a soul."

"A soul? Like Angel?" Wesley was shocked.

"Not exactly ... there's no curse, no risk of losing it. And it's his soul, from before he was turned. Evidently he earned it after facing some demon's trials in the African desert."

Wesley face paled, "Dear God. We thought it was a myth."

"We?" Lorne asked, obviously surprised by Wesley's response.

"The Council." Wesley replied. "There have been rumors for centuries about this. There are very powerful demons who can ... grant wishes, usually to humans in the misguided name of 'justice'. The Council has been arguing for ages about whether a vampire, or any other demon for that matter, might be able to make wishes for themselves. Wishes that would give them a combination of human and demon traits to make them more powerful -- becoming daywalkers ... demons with souls ... having heartbeats ... even returning vampires to a fully human state. But no one's ever seen proof before, it's just a theory. After all the years, many on the Council stopped even considering it a viable theory, it became a myth, a legend."

"Well, it looks like it can be done -- the soul returning anyway. He's definitely got a soul, I've read him and there is no mistaking it. It's tearing him apart, Wes. That's why Angel and Cordy sent me. They were hoping you might be able to help Will deal with this."

"What about Angel? He's been dealing with the weight of a soul for decades. Has he talked to Will about his methods - Tai Chi, meditation? Surely, he's better prepared to deal with this than I am."

"Yeah, they've been working on meditating, but right now it's not enough. He's plagued by bad dreams when he sleeps and visions when he's awake. I can feel how haunted he is. Just being near him is overwhelming for me, I don't need him to sing or even speak to see what's in his head." Lorne seemed quite shaken, but pulled himself together. "Angel thought perhaps there might be some technique Watchers use when training Slayers to deal with their dreams."

"Perhaps. I could look into it."

"You're willing to help then?" Lorne asked. "We weren't sure. You told Gunn to stay away and you haven't returned Fred's calls or tried to contact anyone else. And ..." Lorne trailed off.

"And what, Lorne? You can say it. Whatever it is, I deserve it. I betrayed my friends, my family, nothing you could say would be out of line."

"Well, you've been seen recently with Lilah and we weren't sure if ..."

"If I'm working with Wolfram & Hart?" Lorne nodded. "No, I'm not. I ..." Wesley blushed and lowered his eyes, "I was ... sleeping with her, nothing more. I'm not even sure why."

"Self-loathing." Lorne stated. Wesley raised his eyes and looked at Lorne as the green demon studied him. "It's written all over you. You've even considered suicide more than once over the last few months, haven't you?"

Wesley just nodded as a single tear rolled down his cheek. "I'm ... sorry, Lorne. I'm sorry for what I did to you. I hope that you can trust me again someday."

"I hope so too." Lorne reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. As he handed it to Wesley he explained, "Here's the address of a pub Angel thought you and Spike could meet in to talk. It's a nice English place, mixed clientele -- human and demon. I've been there, you'll both be safe. Angel thought you'd be comfortable there ... and, well he's not exactly ready to have you back at the hotel yet."

"Of course, I understand." Wesley pocketed the address. He felt extremely awkward, he didn't know what to say or do. Finally, Lorne stepped towards the door.

"I'll be going now. Angel said to meet Spike at the bar day after tomorrow, just after sunset." Lorne opened the door and stepped into the hall, before turning around and facing Wesley. "Take care of yourself. Don't give up hope, everything will work out fine in the end."

"How can you be so sure?"

"I just know. Take it one day at a time, Wes. Things will sort themselves out." With that Lorne walked away.

Wesley stood in his apartment, leaning his head against his front door as tears flowed down his cheeks. Don't blow this Wesley, this is your chance to get back in Angel's life. I may never win his love, but maybe we can one day work side-by-side again. "Time for research," he muttered to get his mind off thoughts of Angel before he found himself engrossed in his fantasies. He walked over to his bookcase and pulled down a few books about dreams and meditation and set to working on a way to help Spike, or Will as he now wished to be addressed.

Chapter 3 - Common Ground

Will arrived at the pub early. He wanted to get a few drinks down before opening up to an ex-Watcher. He hadn't believed it when Angel had suggested that a Watcher might be able to help a vamp deal with his nightmares. Especially since he'd killed two Slayers and almost raped a third one. Giles probably would have staked him on site after what Will had done to Buffy.

Then when Angel said Will would be working with Wesley -- the man who'd betrayed Angel and given Connor to the enemy -- Will was even more confused. But Angel chose Wesley because despite everything that had happened, he knew in his heart that Wesley was the one person who could help his childe. Will would just have to deal with his conflicting emotions. He needed help. If Wesley was the answer, he'd suck it up and play nice.

Will took a swig of beer and lit a cigarette. He started to relax and took a look around the pub. Angel had picked an interesting place to have the two men meet. It was an English-style pub. Will figured Angel must have thought this place would be familiar for both Will and Wesley. There were demons and humans mixing together peaceably. And they were all men. After studying the crowd for a few minutes, Will laughed. This wasn't just an English-style pub for humans and demons, but an English-style pub for gay humans and demons. Wonder what the Watcher will think of this place?

"Can I buy you a drink?"

Will looked over and saw an attractive vamp sit down next to him. He grinned at the man, realizing that he had no idea about Will's chip or soul. This was just another vamp who couldn't resist the beauty and power that radiated from him -- even depressed, he was still irresistible. "Thanks, but I'll have to pass. I'm ... meeting someone," Will stated with a smile. Meeting someone. Yeah right, mate, who are you trying to fool? Him or yourself? You're meeting a bloody ex-Watcher. How fucked up is that?

"Perhaps some other time," the vamp said as he moved away. Yeah. Perhaps. I'll have to remember to come back to this place if Angel ever kicks me out and I'm desperate to get laid. There were gorgeous vamps and humans all around him. As he really started to study them, he couldn't help but begin to notice the thrumming heartbeats of the humans and the scent of arousal -- human and demon -- in the air. Before he knew it images were flashing before his eyes.

He saw his victims lying dead in London alleyways. His old "friends" with railroad spikes through their skulls. Women and men crying out in a combination of pain and pleasure as he drained them at the moment of climax bringing them both over the edge. Hunting with Angelus, Dru, and Darla.

He began to panic. As he tried to calm himself by focusing on his love for Buffy, all he could see was himself attacking her. He was rising off his stool to leave when Wesley sat down next to him.

"Sorry I'm late, I hope I haven't kept you waiting too long." Will turned to face him and Wesley took a sharp breath. "Dear God, is everything all right?"

Will took a deep breath and shook his head. He reached for Wesley's hand and looked in the Watcher's eyes. Focusing on Wesley's eyes and feeling his warmth, Will pulled himself together and began to relax.

"I'm okay," Will finally managed. "Just had a slew of visions and I couldn't get them under control."

"What made them stop?" Wesley asked.

"You. Your warmth and your eyes. Your presence somehow calmed me." Will replied honestly. "I'm Will -- formerly known as Spike or William the Bloody -- but you already know that, don't you? I'm assuming you're Wesley. If not, I've just made an ass out of myself. Not that it would be the first time, but..." Will trailed off.

"Yes ... well ... yes, I'm Wesley. Wesley Wyndam-Pryce. But please, call me Wesley or ... Wes." He was surprised at how relaxed and at ease he felt sitting next to the Master vampire. He found himself staring at the man. He'd seen pictures, drawings of Angel's, but he didn't remember them showing such beauty. Wesley was mesmerized by Will's presence. That and the fact that he was still holding his hand. When he realized that, he pulled away. Embarrassed by what, he wasn't sure.

"Can I get you something to drink?" Wesley was pulled out of his thoughts by the bartender standing in front of him.

"Ah ... yes. Whisky, please. Rocks." Wesley looked over at Will and realized he'd need more than that. "And a beer -- black and tan."

The bartender nodded and then looked at Will. "Ready for another?"

"Yeah. Just give me what he's having." He turned and smiled at Wesley. "So ... Wes. Can you help me with my nightmares? As you saw when you arrived, I don't just have them while I'm sleeping. I ... I don't know what to do. Angel told me to focus on something that makes me happy. I was trying to picture Buffy--"

"The Slayer?" Wes interrupted him.

"Yeah. I'm in love with her. Or I was. I don't know anymore."

Wesley could see the truth in his eyes. A vampire in love with a Slayer, before having a soul. "I see. Continue please. What happened when you tried to focus on her?"

"Well, all I could see was me hurting her. I ... I almost raped her." Will barely got the last words out and they were spoken so softly Wesley almost didn't hear them.

"It's okay, Will. You can tell me anything. I've done some awful things myself, I'm not going to judge you. I hope to be able to help you. Lorne gave me an idea of how bad things are. He told me he can see your visions just by being near you. I know you've spent a lot of time with Buffy. Did you ever watch her meditate, or work with crystals?"

Will shook his head. "She always did that in private or with Giles. And ... he didn't allow interruptions."

"Well, I'm going to teach you some techniques similar to those the Slayer uses to get in touch with her essence, her power. I'm hoping you can use them to reach your true self inside and find peace and strength. I'm also going to help you ... compartmentalize your mind. So you can take these memories and tuck them away in a sort of 'lockbox' in your mind and not have to face them unless you choose."

"You can't just get rid of them? Hypnotize me and strip them all away?" Will grinned. Wes knew he was being sarcastic but was also curious to know if Wes could take away his bad memories.

"That would be far too dangerous. We might take away more than you could function without. All of your experiences are tied together, you've been around for over 100 years, we can't just take away huge chunks of that. You wouldn't be you anymore. Surely there are some good things in there that you want to hold on to?" Wesley asked.

Will remembered lazy days in bed with Angelus and Dru. Seeing the Sex Pistols live. Meeting Buffy for the first time. "Yeah, I see your point. So, we tuck the bad stuff away where I can get it if I need it but don't have to see it all the time, huh?"

"Exactly. You'll need to find a new focus for your meditation. Something less ... complicated by emotions than Buffy. I suggest working with crystals for your intensive meditations, but you'll need something -- a person or a place usually works best -- that you can easily picture in your mind for emergency use -- such as before I got here tonight. Choose something that will come to mind easily."

Will just stared at Wes as he spoke. He didn't realize how much he had enjoyed having another Englishman to talk to when Giles had been around. Wesley's voice was soothing, comforting, it reminded him of home. And his eyes were warm and kind. He couldn't imagine how this man ever could have betrayed Angel. Of course, he knew from the story that Wes thought he was doing the right thing. Will could tell he was a good man. And since he had no history with him to haunt his dreams, Will decided right then and there that Wes would be his focus. He needed no more time to consider it. The choice was clear.

"I've got it," Will said with a shy smile.

"Oh? Already?" asked Wes. Will nodded. "Would you like to tell me? You don't have to, of course?" Wes was dying to know what the vampire had selected, but wouldn't force him. He needed to earn Will's trust in order to truly be able to help him.

Will hesitated. He knew that despite everything Wes had done regarding Connor and Angel, he was a good man and could be trusted. "You." stated Will, matter-of-factly.

Wes felt his heart stop beating for a moment. "Me? Are you ... are you certain? I'm sure Angel -- or if not him, then certainly Cordelia -- told you about everything I did to him. How can you trust me when I betrayed your sire?" Wesley's question was sincere. He couldn't understand how Will could have chosen him for his object of focus.

"Well," Will began, "First of all, I can see in your eyes that you won't hurt me. Second, I know that you had the best of intentions when you took Connor. You thought you were saving his life, right?" Will paused and looked at Wes who nodded. "Plus, you did it to protect Angel. You love him. Probably as much as I do." Wes just stared at him in shock. "Third, if you hurt me it will ruin any chance of reconciling with Angel and the rest of the gang. And finally, ... because we have no past. You weren't in my life before the soul. When I look at you there are no memories of my life before. There's no pain associated with you."

Wesley was stunned by Will's words. He knew from the Watcher's Diaries that Will had been a poet before being turned, but everything indicated that he was horrible. Wes hadn't expected him to express himself so eloquently and intelligently. His thoughts were well formed and spoken in a voice that had shifted from guttersnipe to that of a refined English gentleman. I wonder what the extent of his education was. It sounds like I'm not the only one in the room who hasn't completely escaped his upbringing.

"Well ... thank you," was all Wes could manage to say. He took a few sips of his whisky and looked around the bar.

Will noticed the Watcher's face redden and his pulse quicken as he took in his surroundings. He saw realization on Wesley's face. "Is this ..."

"A gay, human/demon English-style pub nestled discreetly in downtown Los Angeles?" Will supplied with a smirk, saving Wes from having to put his thoughts into words.

Wes just stared at him -- eyes wide in wonder.

"Yes. Yes it is." Will smiled widely at Wesley's speechlessness. "Is that a problem, Mr. Wyndam-Pryce?" The 'Spike' in Will was coming out to play. "We could go somewhere else if you want. For some reason Angel thought we'd both be comfy here. Me? I'm a vampire, this is tame for my tastes." Will grinned and winked as Wesley continued staring at him. "But I guess it could be a bit much for a straight human, huh?"

Wes blinked. "Huh? I'm sorry, what?" Is he suggesting we go somewhere else?

"Do you want to go somewhere else?" Will asked.

"Ah ... no, I'm fine. I just didn't expect to find a place like this in L.A. It's been years since I've been to some of the um ... more interesting pubs in London."

Will realized that Wes hadn't been freaked out by the customers, but was simply surprised to find something familiar from home, right here in L.A. "So," Will began, "do you miss home, then?" Wes knew from Will's expression what the underlying question was: Do you miss the all-male, demon pubs?

"Umm ... well, yes, I guess I do. A good cup of tea isn't the only things that's hard to find here in L.A.," he replied with a twinkle in his eye. "However, I would like to leave. We can come back some other time when we can ... enjoy ourselves more ... fully. But this isn't really the right atmosphere for your training, you need to be able to relax and focus your mind."

"Plenty of things here to focus my mind on," Will said. If I'd've known Peaches was gonna send me off to someone so yummy I woulda gotten myself a soul a few years ago. "But, alright. Let's go. Your place?" Will asked.

"Umm ... yes." Wes put some money on the bar and led the way out the door. "I rode my bike here, did you drive?"

"No, I walked over. Needed to let off some steam, so I traipsed through the sewers and dusted a few vamps on my way."

"Well, we can both ride on the bike if you want. Or you could follow me in a cab if you prefer." Wes hoped that Will would ride with him, but didn't want to seem pushy.

"I'd love to ride you ... er, ride with you." Will couldn't believe the slip up. Evidently, Spike was still a part of him. In the past, he would have said something like that on purpose, but not now. He hadn't felt comfortable enough to be his usual lewd and sarcastic self. What was it about Wesley that was bringing all of this out of him?

"Here." Wes handed him a helmet and Will climbed on the bike behind the warm, inviting human. As soon as Wes started the bike and pulled away from the curb, Will wrapped his arms around Wesley's waist and pressed himself tightly against the man's body. It reminded him of holding his victims just before feeding, but blood wasn't what he was interested in sucking at the moment.

~*~

Meanwhile, back at the Hyperion ...

"Do you think they'll be able to stand each other?" Cordy asked. "I mean, after all, Wesley is a gentleman and Spike ... sorry, Will ... is, well ... not a gentleman. I mean let's face it, he's crude, rude, and all around obnoxious. What were you thinking?"

Angel glared at her when she called his childe Spike. Where does she get off judging Will like that? Just because he tried to kill all of the Scoobies in the past didn't mean she knows him. Okay, maybe she knew who he had been. But she doesn't really know him. Angel knew that Darla, Dru, and especially Angelus had a lot to do with what kind of vampire 'Spike' had become.

"Cordy, they'll both be fine. Will was ... well, he was a 'proper English gentleman' before he was turned. It's not like he doesn't know how to behave, he's just a little ... out of practice. I have a feeling the two of them will get along great."

Little did he know just how well ...

~*~

Wes pulled up in front of his building and parked his bike. Will reluctantly peeled himself off Wesley's back and slid off the bike. Both men immediately felt the absence of the other's touch.

"So, here we are. Home sweet home." Wes walked into the building with Will by his side. They went up to his flat and Wes opened the door.

He stepped inside and started towards the kitchen before he realized that Will was still standing in the hall staring at him. Of course, he needs an invitation. "Please, Will, do come in. I'm sorry about that. I forgot for a moment that you've never been here. But, of course you haven't since we just met. And I'm going to shut up now."

Will just smiled at Wesley's babbling as he closed the door behind him and moved to follow Wes into the kitchen.

"Can I offer you something to drink before we get started? Tea? Water? Blood?" Will's eyebrow went up at the last offer. "The exercise will take a lot out of you emotionally, I thought you might need a little blood afterwards so I stopped by the butcher shop today," Wesley explained.

"So you were planning on bringing me back here all along, huh?" Will asked with a big grin. Spike's playfulness was coming out again.

"W-well, y-y-yes," Wesley stammered. He was suddenly very embarrassed for assuming Will would just come home with him. His intentions had been purely honorable, but what must the vampire think of him? "I had hoped we would." He paused and stared into Will's eyes and quickly mumbled, "To begin you're training, of course."

"Of course." Will was looking at Wes and wondering if he and Angel had ever been lovers. He smiled at the image of the two of them together and then forced himself to focus on the real reason for his presence in the man's home. "So, shall we begin then?"

"Yes," Wes answered. Relief spread through his body and he began to relax again. "If you'll help me move a few things, we'll have space for our circle here in the living room."

"Circle? No magick." Will stated firmly.

"No magick?" Wes was confused. He must be afraid of magick. Wouldn't be the first person I've met. "No, no magick. The circle is to protect you from outside distractions and to help hold in the healing energy we're going to raise to help you relax." Wes saw Will's muscles unclench. "As I mentioned at the bar, there's no quick magickal fix for this. All the change will come from within you, no outside intervention. I'm only here to help guide you. Eventually, we'll do some work with crystals, but today it will just be the two of us. No objects, no spells, just a little guided meditation. Okay?"

Will nodded, but had seemed to retreat into himself. The joking, smiling Will from a few minutes ago was gone. The sad, scared man he'd first encountered at the bar was back. Wes could tell he was nervous.

"Help me move the table?" Wes asked in a gentle and encouraging voice. Will nodded and moved to the table; he and Wes moved it out of the way and then shifted the sofa to create a open space in the living room.

"Okay, have a seat there on the floor and take a few deep breaths to relax."

"Vamps don't have to breath, ya know." Will stated.

"Yes, I'm aware of that. But it's a good technique to focus your mind and relax your body. So do it. No arguing." Wes smiled at him. "I'm going to burn some incense that will help you focus during the exercise and cast the circle." While Will sat on the floor and began to take slow deep inhalations, Wes lit some incense that smelled like earth.

Wes then moved into the middle of the room, closed his eyes, and began taking deep breaths. He relaxed his mind and felt energy flowing up through his body. He opened his eyes and extended his right arm as he began to walk clockwise around Will. Will watched him and could see the energy coming from Wesley's hand forming a circle around them. When the circle was complete, Wes spread the energy above and beneath them so that the circle became a protective sphere. Will noticed how calm it was inside the sphere. He could hear nothing from the outside world -- no noise from the street or other apartments -- things his vampire hearing would normally be able to detect. There was nothing in the sphere but himself, Wesley, and a feeling of peace.

"Are you ready?" Wes asked as he sat on the floor facing Will.

"Yeah, I guess so. It's so ... calm in here."

"That's the idea," Wes replied with a smile. "Now, close your eyes and relax. Since you've expressed your ... amusement at the idea of breathing, may I suggest focusing on my heartbeat instead. I trust I can keep it steady for you." Wes paused and watched Will. "Listen to the steady rhythm. Open your mind, concentrate on the sound of my heart." He could see that Will was relaxed and focused; to Wesley's surprise, Will was breathing. He was certain that Will didn't even realize he was doing it; the breaths were shallow, but they were in sync with Wesley's own breaths. Wes smiled and closed his eyes.

"Imagine yourself standing in a field." Will saw himself in a sunny field, with tall grass and purple and yellow wildflowers. "There is a light breeze blowing, you can feel it caressing your skin and ruffling your hair." Will watched the grass and flowers billow around him. The scene was beautiful and serene.

"Now, I want you to turn around. Behind you there is a large tree with a door in it." Will turned around to find himself standing before a huge oak tree with a blue door. "When you open the door you will find a staircase leading down deep into the earth. I want you to follow these steps. It will become very dark as you descend, but do not be afraid. Go ahead. Open the door and begin."

Will opened the door and looked at the first step. He was hesitant to go forth into the darkness. Do not be afraid, right. Will stepped forward and slowly began to descend the stairs. The stairs spiraled down into the darkness, but he continued to follow them. It was so dark that even Will's vampire sight was of little use, but he instinctively knew where the next step would be and how the staircase turned.

"As you continue down the steps you'll begin to see light below you. It will get lighter until you reach the bottom where you'll be in a lit chamber."

Will reached the last step and looked up at the glowing cavern before him. There were torches on the walls revealing the interior of the space.

"In the middle of the room there are two chairs. Have a seat and relax. You are safe here, Will. This room is guarded. No one can come in unless you want them here. Only you and one other -- your protector -- can come here without your invitation."

Will relaxed in one of the two large wingback chairs. They reminded him of the chairs in his mother's parlor. The fabric was heavy and rich in color. The cushions soft and inviting.

"Look at the seat across from you and meet your protector. It may look like someone you know, may be a stranger, or may even be a mass of energy or light. Male, female, both, or neither. Anything. Concentrate on your protector and feel its strength and power. Be comforted and calmed by this energy."

Will looked up to see his protector and found himself face-to-face with Wesley. A very relaxed, laid back Wesley. Gone was the tailored suit and tie he had worn to the bar. This Wesley was different. Will was certain not many people -- if any -- had ever seen this Wesley. There was both comfort as well as mischief in his eyes. They twinkled with a delight Will was sure they hadn't felt in a long time. He wore faded blue jeans and a dark green button-down shirt that was half open, revealing his smooth chest. The shirt was untucked and the sleeves were rolled to the middle of his forearms. He was barefoot, with his right leg hanging over the arm of the chair as he relaxed into the seat. His glasses were absent and his hair was ruffled. He looked extremely shaggable and the more Will looked at him the more he thought Wes looked like he'd just been shagged -- thoroughly.

Meanwhile, the real Wesley sat inside the circle observing Will's body language as he met his protector in his mind. Will had the biggest grin on his face. Well, I guess he likes what he's seeing. I wonder what it is.

"Okay, Will. I want you to look down at the floor in front of you -- in the space between you and your protector. There should be a box with two keys on top of it. One for you, one for your protector. This box is where you will place the thoughts you wish to put away, out of everyday reach. Open the box, examine it, become comfortable and familiar with it. Understand that is a part of you. It exists only in you."

Will looked down and saw a wooden box with intricately carved Celtic patterns on the lid and sides. Celtic knots? Must be from spending all those years with Peaches. He traced the patterns with his hands, learning them by touch. He picked up the large keys and felt their weight in his hands. He handed one to 'Wes' and with the other, he opened the box and stared inside. It seemed so deep -- so deep he couldn't see the bottom.

"When you're finished examining the box and feel connected to it, close and lock it. Put the key in a place in the room or on your person where you feel comfortable leaving it. When you are ready, ascend the staircase and exit the door back into the field. When you reach the field you may relax there as long as you like. Come back to me when you are ready. There's no rush."

Wes continued to observe Will while he attuned his mind and body to the energy in the circle. He could feel how it had changed, absorbing the energy flowing from Will. The feel was strong and intense. It was different than Wesley's own energy, but he could feel how his own power was intertwined with Will's in the space around them. Wes knew before meeting him, that Will was a Master, but his strength was greater than Wesley had expected. Will wasn't as old as Angel, but Wesley suspected that his psychic strength might actually be greater than Angel's. With Wesley's help, Will would be dealing with the weight of his soul in no time.

Will, meanwhile, was sitting in his chair staring at the other Wes and wondering when he might get the real Wes in the same position. He looks so yummy right now, all I want to do is stay here and shag him senseless. I wonder if that's allowed? Can you have sex in your mind with an imaginary 'protector'? He grinned.

Finally, Will rose from the chair, pocketed his key, winked at Wes, and climbed the stairs with vampire speed. He burst through the door at the top and stepped out into the sunshine. He took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of wildflowers. As he walked through the field, he released himself from the depths of his mind and opened his eyes to find the real Wes studying him.

"Welcome back," Wes said. "How do you feel?"

"Good. I feel good." Will paused and smiled as he stared at Wes and compared the two versions of his new friend.

"You're smiling. You smiled a lot during the exercise. Shall I take that to mean that you won't object to returning some time?"

"Anytime, luv. My protector ... well, let's just say he's not too sore on the eyes. Wouldn't mind a shag with that one."

Wes smiled. "That could be arranged. Although ... I always preferred the real thing myself." He referred to his protector as a 'he.' I wonder if it's someone I would know. Angel perhaps?

"Really?" Will asked with a suggestive leer.

Wesley laughed and blushed. "Yes, really. So ... there's all this energy here in our circle. We need to store some of it, it's too good to waste. Do you have an object you might like to charge with the energy? A piece of jewelry perhaps?"

"Charge with energy?" Will wasn't sure what that was but it sounded like magick to him.

"There's no need to worry. It's just your energy combined with mine. We redirect it into calming energy and it should provide some protection against the nightmares while we work on storing them away."

Will was reassured by Wesley's words. He looked down at the ring on his right hand. It was one of the few things he'd kept from before being turned. "How about this?" He held up his hand.

"Perfect." Wes smiled at Will. "Now, see the energy around you and use your hands to move some of it towards you. Shape it into a ball and compress it until it rests in your cupped hands."

Wes watched as Will focused on pulling the energy into a ball. Wesley was impressed with how well Will worked with the energy. Once the energy was in Will's hands, Wesley reached out and covered Will's hands with his own -- trapping the energy between them.

"Now, focus on calm and peace as we push the energy into your ring." Wes combined his own power with Will's to help stabilize the energy as they pushed their hands together, pressing the energy into the ring.

"Wow," said Will. "I can feel it. The center of it is in the ring, but I can feel a soothing sensation radiating from it and into my body, spreading out to fill me with peace."

"Good. That means it's working." Wes smiled. "We can recharge it whenever you feel that it's losing strength. It should help you keep some focus over the next few weeks as we work on training you to control your emotions. Now I'm going to take down the circle and we'll be done for the evening."

Wes rose, and using his left hand, he sliced through the sphere as he walked around the circle. Will could see the energy flowing back into Wesley's body. Angel didn't tell me Wes had powers, I just thought he was a regular old Watcher. I've seen Giles do some magick, but nothing of this level. Red and Glinda usually handled all that.

When he was finished, Wes knelt and pressed his hands to the floor. He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths and slow exhalations. Then he opened his eyes, stood up, and extended his hand to help Will up.

"What was that last thing you did? When you were kneeling?" Will asked.

"I released the extra energy back into the Earth. If I keep it all in me, I'll never get to sleep," he smiled. "I could have transferred it into an object -- like we did with your ring -- but I felt you would be uncomfortable with that. You seem a bit averse to magick, so I didn't bring any of my usual tools into the circle. Since there was nothing to store the power in, I released it back into the Earth."

"If you always put the power back into the Earth or into an object, then where does your power come from? I mean, I saw it flowing out of your hand when you cast the circle earlier. Where did it come from?"

"It's all around us, I simply channeled it through my body."

"Oh." Will stared at Wes amazed by this side of the man. He hadn't known him long, but he was beginning to see why he'd latched on to him so easily. And he understood why Angel had wanted him by his side for so long. The mortal was full of strength and beauty, power and ... gentleness.

"So," said Wes, "would you care for some blood?"

"Yeah, I would actually."

continue to chapters 4-6